Chiroraptor.
It was a beautiful set-up: nobody survived to tell future patients not to go. And there was no trick involved. People simply misread the sign as Chiropractor. The few smartasses who read the sign correctly waited until they were inside to point out the error and then it was too late. There were also a few who read the sign correctly and simply thought it was some new, cool, hipster, post-ironic irony or a gimmick, but it didn’t matter because they, too, were shredded and devoured as soon as they entered.
Yes, it was a beautiful set-up; the only complaint was the necessity of constant clean-up.
So much gore required white tile everywhere and plenty of Pine Sol.
But it was more than happy, and it didn’t mind the cleaning. It thought Why didn’t I think of this sooner?
Grown tired of Deception, it had turned to Truth, and thus far it had been rewarded by its practice of honesty being the best policy. It had hung out its shingle knowing both halves of its portmanteaued professional title were true; the latter portion, raptor, certainly. The former, chiro, was doubly true because it reasoned it was indeed correcting and easing the pain of its patients for good, swiftly and entirely. One visit and all of their aches and pains were gone because they, too, were gone.
It, in turn, could sustain itself handsomely, as it knew there would always be pain in the world, and this eternal pain worked its way into the nerves, muscles, joints, necks, backs, legs, and shoulders of the people, the people who could be counted upon to read things hastily and want relief immediately; the people who, had they been allowed more than an initial scream upon being pounced upon, would be grateful to it for easing their suffering.
It was glad of the steady business, but was careful to not let itself sate itself too completely, lest it lose its acuity, grace, and hunger.
It turned over the cardboard clock on its front door which read Back in One Hour and smiled as it mopped up the latest mess, counting on more pain to come its way, warming to the thought how it had finally, after thousands of years, found a way to be of use.