CHICAGOLOGUES: WISHBONED
[two people]
No.
Now wait a minute!
“No” means “no.”
As in “not now.”
No. I mean “yes,” not now, but also No in general.
After all I did for you.
“All”?
The turkey, the cornbread stuffing, the green bean casserole, the mashed potatoes, I even put the melted marshmallows on the candied yams.
A full-on Thanksgiving dinner does not mean I’m going to put out.
Come on.
No still means no.
Ever?
Stop asking.
Would you honor a wish?
What are you talking about?
Here. The wishbone. I’ll make you a deal.
No deals.
Will you wait until you’ve heard the deal?
I already know what your wish will be.
I’ll bet you don’t.
Specifically? No. Generally? Yes. And you can wish all you want, it won’t come true.
I’d honor your wish.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. Name it.
I wish you’d stop treating me like a sex toy, start respecting me as a person, and finally understand that what you’re doing is not okay but actually quite despicable.
That’s three wishes.
I’m leaving.
Allrightallrightallright. Yes. If you win, you get your wish.
Really?
I’m nothing if not honest.
Are you just saying that because you’re certain I won’t win?
I’m saying this because you’ve made me realize that despite whatever carnal desires might run rampant whenever I’m around you I ought to know that we are human beings and desire does not outweigh decency, lust does not trump humanity, and expectations do not take precedent over mutual consent.
Are you being genuine, or is that another load of horseshit?
I’m as genuine as a freshly minted nickel.
Well….all right. And what’s your wish?
That you hop into that Naughty Pilgrim outfit I bought for you and meet me in the bedroom with a half a can of Crisco, two rubber bands, and a towel.
No.
Now wait a minute!