Wolves - A Silly Choose Your Own Adventure
Beginning
You’ve gotten yourself into a bit of a pickle. You’re lost and alone in the woods at night. You’ve lost your phone. Worse of all, there’s a wolf chasing you. You didn’t even know that there were wolves in your area, but here you are. Running. From a huge, upright bolting, snarling wolf with sharp fangs. Although you fancy yourself pretty fast (impressive for your non-sensible shoes), the wolf is gaining.
You have a choice.
If you choose keep running, scroll to A.
If you choose turn and fight, scroll to B.
A. If you picked Keep Running…
Hey, you might not be on the track team, but you consider yourself a pretty decent runner. You could probably outrun this demon hell beast, right?
Wrong.
It doesn’t take too long before the wolf has you pinned down on the ground. Pure, blind fear courses through your body and before you can think, filthy fangs have clamped down on your left shoulder, tearing savagely at the skin.
You scream out in excruciating pain when suddenly the beast yelps and falls over on top of you. You lay still for a few minutes, with a heaving wolf on top of you, afraid it might attack again if it moves. Then, it begins to change. All of a sudden, instead of a dead wolf, you now have a dead, shirtless hippie on top of you. Or at least, you’re pretty sure he’s a hippie given his hair, hemp bracelets, bellbottoms, and general odor.
You try to scream in pure panic, but no sound comes out.
In the distance you hear a low female voice cheering, “Finally! I finally got you, you asshole!” You freeze, hoping whoever this is, isn’t talking you. However, shortly there after, you hear heavy footsteps and then the sound of a large truck starting up and driving away.
Now you’re just alone with a dead guy on top of you.
If you choose bury the body yourself, scroll to C.
If you choose go to the police, scroll to D.
B. If you picked Turn and Fight…
Let’s be real: even you you like to think that you’re fast, you’re not really. But, in a pinch, you can pretty handy with your fists. Remember that time that asshole Nathan Stevenson tried to play keep away with your lunch box and you socked him in the gut? That took real power! Surely, you can take on this terrifying lupine.
You stop, skidding on the ground and turn to face the beast.
You realize that you’ve made a terrible mistake. Elementary school fisticuffs are one thing, but this thing is foaming at the mouth. Congratulations! Your undue sense of hubris is about to get you killed.
Still, you steel your resolve. This isn’t exactly the time to be a candy ass. Might as well think of Nathan and punch the wolf in the face.
You jump forward and put all your might behind your left arm and smash into his snout. Pain shoots up your arm from the resulting collision, but you feel good - powerful even.
The wolf yelps and back off for a moment. Suddenly, its ears go up and then it bolts off. You stand, feeling pretty good about yourself until you see a large woman in flannel with a mullet and trucker cap that reads “Foxy Grandpa.” You can think of at least two things wrong with that hat’s statement. She’s also brandishing a rifle.
“Damn! Damn! Damn! Son of a bitch got away again!” She yells, stomping her hiking boots on the ground. “Hey kid! You okay?”
Coming up behind her is a giant grizzly bear.
If you choose to warn her, scroll to E.
If you choose to save yourself, scroll to F.
C. If You Picked Bury the Body Yourself…
When you think about it, your situation doesn’t look good. You were the only one who saw what happened and who in their right mind is going to believe you? After all, you’re quiet and people always think quiet people are secretly serial killers. You’re not a serial killer at all! Even if you do wear those terrible Dahmer-esque glasses.
Yeah, you’re making the right choice.
You manage to find an old shovel close by (not a great sign) and get to work as fast as you can.
However, midway through digging the hole, you begin to hear noises. Howling. You try to work faster and get the hell out of Dodge but when you look up you’re surrounded by a pack of upright, snarling dogs.
You immediately drop the shovel and quickly try to explain what happened, but no matter what you try, they get closer and closer until finally - they pounce, teeth bared and ready to devour you.
Bad End: Eaten by werewolves.
D. If You Picked Go to the Police…
Officer McDougall is too old for this. Too old for you, too old for your stories, too old for your weirdness in his office.
Still, you press that there really is a dead body in the woods. Throwing you a bone, he sends one of the rookies to go with you. He’s such a rookie, he hasn’t even grown a proper cop mustache yet and only has a half-formed, awkward peach fuzz thing going on.
You lead the rookie officer right to spot, you’re sure of it, but the body’s gone. Not only that but there’s no blood or any sign of a chase. Just forest.
This doesn’t make any sense and you tell the rookie officer, but he just puts a hand on your shoulder and gives you a tired, sympathetic smile. He says he understands how someone could get spooked in the woods. The rookie officer then gives you a ride home and lets you off with a warning for “pulling a prank”.
You go home and try to sleep it off, but you can’t. Then, as moonlight hits your face you can hear howling tearing through the sky. You feel summoned, as if someone is calling you, telling you to go outside.
Almost hypnotized, you leave your room, not bothering to change out of your pajamas. Your body aches. At first you don’t know why, but as you keep walking, being pulled back into the forest you realize that you’re changing. You gasp as claws emerge from your hands and feet and fangs replace your teeth. Worse, you can feel your hair grow rapidly. Or, not hair, but fur and it covers your body. You try to scream, but are only able to howl. You feel scared, confused, lost, and alone - but not for long.
Before you know it, you are surrounded by werewolves. They all look sad, but seem happy to see another werewolf. You explain what happened. How you got bitten, how the werewolf who bit you got shot, and how you heard a woman’s voice racing away. The wolves snarl and say that it was a hunter who finally did their leader in.
You are the last person the leader ever bit, they say. They insist how that makes you special and how they would love to have you join their pack. You feel touched. You have always felt so alone but at least, here’s a family to call your own.
You heartily accept.
Good End: You’ve found your place in this world as part of a werewolf pack!
E. If You Picked Warn Her…
You yell that there’s a grizzly bear behind her! The large woman in the Foxy Grandpa hat laughs. She assures you that she knows. The grizzly bear, she says, is named Chomp and is her partner in werewolf hunting. The woman calls herself U-Haul and says that she and Chomp have been traveling around trying to hunt the werewolf that was chasing you. U-Haul compliments you on trying to fight the werewolf and says you “have real balls.”
She invites you out for KFC and you accept. Over a KFC famous bowl, U-Haul reveals that werewolf’s name is Steve and that he’s King of the Werewolves or at least the leader of this area’s pack. She also mentions that he’s a huge asshole. You nod sagely now, biting into your fried chicken, because nothing can phase you anymore. Not even the fact that Chomp, a grizzly bear, is eating a bowl of popcorn chicken like it’s a thing that all bears do.
U-Haul, impressed, invites you to travel along to kill Steve, King of the Werewolves. Feeling high off the adrenaline of surviving a werewolf attack and full of KFC, you accept.
Good End: You become a badass werewolf hunter!
F. If You Picked Save Yourself…
You know what? No. You were lucky enough to not get totally ripped apart from that werewolf and there’s no reason to try to face death twice tonight. So, instead, you run, trying to get to safety.
And you know what happens? You run into a goddamn PACK of werewolves! And worst yet, amongst them is the very werewolf that was chasing you! And he doesn’t seem to have forgotten how you totally punched him and probably made him look like a wuss in front of all his other werewolf friends.
Barring his teeth, he announces that he is Steve, King of the Werewolves. He demands to know if U-Haul sent you here. You admit that you have no idea what rental trucks have to do with any of this. All the werewolves laugh at you. They think you’re funny. You’re funny and they want to keep you around. You’ll be a pet to their pack.
Just trying to keep alive and hopefully not pee yourself, you agree.
Bad End: Enslaved by werewolves.
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