Day in the Life of Rasputin Jumping-Bean Gonsil
He appeared at my booth one late summer afternoon just as the whole event was closing. After a day of packing boxes and loading them into a van, I drove the 3 hours up to Chicago. In the hotel, I chucked him into the corner so that he would know his place. While I have built him a nest, given him playthings and weapons and even bring him to conventions so that he may leave the wizard cave every so often, he still does not appreciate my magnanimous nature. Here is a day in the life of my goblin, in his own words.
Thank you glorious mistress for permitting me to speak to the givers of tears. Blood is better, but tears are tasty. Once they hear my sad, sad tale, they will cry and I will drink my fill. It will be glorious!
Morning:
7:00
I am graciously kicked off the bed while trying to lick the feet of the mistress clean. She has responded to my ministrations with her attention. I am pleased.
7:02
Grovel
8:15
Collect the dust and dead bugs from the corners to make breakfast.
8:47
Play with the mice and -er guard the wizard cave against the onslaught of vermin.
9:12
Daydream of being an ogre.
9:23
Practice my skills of stalking against fuzzy face, the preferred minion of mistress. He takes wet globs of color and smears them on little squares. I like the ones with lots of red when it’s still wet. He won't let me near them.
9:25
Still sneaking
9:34
Still sneaking
10:06
Drat! I’ve been caught and banished to the waste cave’s window. I am displeased.
Afternoon:
12:13
People walking by see my shadow and think I’m a nasty dog, they get happy. I am most displeased.
1:04
Daydream of being an ogre that eats fuzzy faced minions.
1:27
In the corner I hear a whisper. It comes from under the floorboard, and then I see the feelers of a scout. I growl a warning. I have done battle with this tribe before. I fear it is too quiet as I do not want fuzzy face to hear me and take away my chance for victory. He will simply use bioweapons, and that is dishonorable. The scout edges out of the gap, the antennae moving every which way to gather information to send back to his queen. She is a monarch usurper. My mistress is the only regent of this domain and I will defend her!
I leap into the air to pounce, but too soon! The scout sees me and tries to retreat into the wall where he will be beyond my grasp. I roll to block its path and snarl a victorious call to arms. Backing away from my cautiously it looks for other options. The waste cave pool maker perhaps? It darts in that direction, but I am already there, blocking its path. It tries to weave back to the original point of engagement, but like the smell of my mistress’s minty teeth cleaner, I am everywhere.
It squares off and then raises its upper torso and waits. I wonder why it is not attacking, and then I realize I’ve been duped! A flank attack! I pounce before it realized I know its plan. Finishing it off quickly (lunch! yay!) I turn to look at the original spot it came from. I see three feelers, already sensing the battle. I call out my warning cry, forgetting myself… and the light comes on.
“How did you get on the floor?” says fuzzy face. He puts me back on the windowsill and looks around. The cowardly enemy has already retreated. Today will not be a day of war. I am disappointed, but full.
Evening:
5:07
Mistress is home! All hail and praise! She rescues me and puts me in my nest and gives me my sword. Fuzzy face says it’s a letter opener, but we shall see.
5:32
I ask to come grovel but she ignores me and makes fuzzy face charred carcass. I am beside myself with the indignity of it all. I would like the burned corpse of MY enemy presented to me as tribute! I lure the mice to the snappy traps and all I get is disgust noises and then they are removed from the wizard cave.
5:38
I am trapped in my nest. It is a prison of woe.
8:16
I may have been wailing. If asked it was a battle cry, yes? It must have gone on too long because mistress takes pity and brings me to the couch to watch the history box. It tells glorious tales of carnage and great battles. I am full of hope.
11:26
Mistress has had a full day of ordering us about. She is tired, I help her by being as comfortable and squishy as possible in the hopes she will not return me to the nest.
11:39
Success! I am at the foot of the bed! I lick her toes in gratitude.
11:40
She kicks me to the floor, and all is well.